weary

I have been away from this for too long. It occurs to me that the longer I go without making time to sit and be with God, the more tired and weary I become. I start to feel fragmented and pulled apart, never whole.

I have not succeeded in my lenten sacrifice, giving up my need to do things. I started out okay, but I haven't ended well. Now it's the passion week and I'm left feeling more tired than I was at the start of lent. It's discouraging. What is it in me that feels so obligated to people? Why do I feel like I 'owe' so many when, if I were really dealing in a strict sense of debt and recompense, there are far more people that 'owe' me than the other way around? I don't know.

Caring too much about what other people think of me and wanting desperately for everyone to like me are my bigger flaws. Flaws I'm usually able to gloss over with the sheen of 'selflessness' and 'helpfulness'. When these flaws become exposed for what they really are - selfishness and a lack of reliance on God - I feel very vulnerable and broken.

Today's passage in Isaiah 50:4-7 at first glance looks like an argument for Christians being doormats for others. Read it a little more carefully, however, and you begin to see that it's more of an argument for complete and utter reliance on God.

I get stuck on the second half of the passage that talks about Isaiah allowing himself to be abused by others and I wonder...is that what the Christian is called to? To just endure all the abuse hurled at him or her? But then I go back to the beginning of the passage and realize that Isaiah was not a passive bystander who people randomly abused. He was the mouthpiece of God. God taught him, gave him the words to say and the audience to say it to and Isaiah was faithful and obedient to these tasks.

So why, then, the abuse? Well, Isaiah knew how to sustain the weary with a word, but the weary didn't always want to hear it. Sometimes the weary are ornery, frustrated and angry and don't want to hear anything from anyone, no matter if it will sustain them or not. I know I feel weary right now and quite honestly, I don't want anyone trying to 'cheer me up.' I'm quite content to be weary and sullen right now, thank you.

I guess that makes me the abuser rather than the abused right now, doesn't it? Hmm. That's disconcerting.

Looks like I've got a lot of reconnecting with God to do this week...