grow down!

Do you ever miss being a kid? Not a teeanger, but a kid - the age where your worries were small compared to what they are now. No concerns about bills (unless they were platapus bills), or relationships (unless you were going to miss a play-date), or career (unless it was telling everyone you wanted to be a ____________ when you grew up).

I miss it all the time. The freedom from 'responsibility' as it were. No expectations of you except to do your chores and be nice to your siblings.

I think children were naturally attracted to Jesus. I know a few people like that to whom kids just gravitate. I think Jae is one of them. I think children saw Jesus and came running, laughing and squealing and telling him, "This-this-this one time..." I'll bet Jesus revelled in it. I'll bet the smile that spread across his face radiated for miles. I'll bet it reminded him a lot of heaven. The unabashed reciprocation of his love and excitement.

I love how many times in the Bible, Jesus tells his disciples to 'grow down.' When everyone else is telling people they need to 'grow up' and 'act more like an adult', Jesus is saying, 'Don't. Don't grow up. Grow down. Love me like these kids love me - unabashedly and excitedly. I don't want a bunch of intellectuals and philosophers who have analyzed their faith to the point that the can separate it from their emotions. I want my kids. You're God's kids and because of me, you're not in trouble anymore. Your 'time-out' is over. And you're being rewarded!'

This is the most beautiful irony I could ever think of. The closer you get to God, the younger you become. So much for all the beauty solutions being offered on TV. There's no better plastic surgery than an intimate relationship with God!

Today's passage is about the disciples asking Jesus who is the greatest in heaven. I wonder how long they'd been debating this point: 'Well, God is certainly the greatest and I'm sure Jesus ranks right up there, but we've been pretty rockin' at this disciple thing. I mean, we gotta be up there on the scale. At least get us a golden street named after each of us.' So they finally decide to ask Jesus. He doesn't tell them what they think they should hear. He tells them they have to change and become more like children.

Children are the greatest in heaven. But why? Well, why not? They are completely dependent on their parent (in this case, God), and they don't have an adult's inhibitions about intimacy. Adults like to keep everyone at arms length. I know I do this all the time. We've experienced hurt, so we don't want to get too close to people for fear that they will hurt us too.

But we never have to worry about being hurt by God. We can throw ourselves into his arms with abandon, whether it be out of excitement, out of sorrow, or out of pain. And just like mom's kiss can make any boo-boo better, God's touch can heal even our deepest wounds.

Being like a child does not mean we have to be immature. But maturity doesn't require bitterness, untrusting feelings or stand-offishness towards God (or even other people for that matter).

Man, I just can't get over what a cool thought that is - the more you let God love you, the younger you become.

I think I'm gonna try it.

the cost of leadership

(II Samuel 16:5-12) This was a curious passage to read today for a number of reasons. First, because at church yesterday, Rob talked about David showing God's kindness to a member of Saul's household and second, because it relates to some of the trials of leadership.

This passage tells of a man who was related to the first Israelite king, Saul, coming out of his house and cursing David, the second Israelite king. He was angry. Saul's family, immediate and extended, had more or less all been killed. This guy was a survivor and he was wicked angry. Now, the killing of Saul and his family was not really David's fault. Saul had made some very poor decisions as king and even took his own life at the end of it all.

But we all need to blame someone for our problems, don't we?

And that's what Shimei did. Blamed David in his anger. It probably gave him some vengeful satisifaction to hear that David's own son, Absolam, was trying to kill him so that he could take over the throne.

David is a fascinating leader to me. He is hailed as Israel's greatest king, but if you really read the details of his life, you might come to the conclusion that he was a lying, murderous, adulterous, wishy-washy, whiny kind of guy. Some king. And yet, the Bible never fails to refer to him as 'a man after God's own heart.' I've always wondered about that. What was it about David that made him a man after God's own heart?

Today's passage might actually give some hints. One of David's attendants gets PO'd at Shimei - even goes so far as to call him a dead dog. But instead of agreeing with him and ordering the man put to death (which David had every right to do), he says, let him curse me.

Let him curse me. Would you let someone curse you that way? Badmouth you like that? I can't think of many people who would.

But David did. David's context for everything that happened to him in his life was his relationship with God. David trusted God implicitly and believed that nothing happened to him without God's involvement, even when he had no idea what in the world God was trying to do. David knew that he was not perfect. Heck, David knew he was pretty messed up, all things considered. But he also knew that he had been chosen by God and that God had promised to orchestrate everything in David's life for God's own glory - his sucesses and even his failures.

I think that's why David let Shimei curse him. He knew he deserved it. Maybe not for what Shimei was accusing him of, but for sure for something else. Instead of defending himself, David left it to God. If God had sent Shimei out to curse him, that was what he was supposed to do. If not, God would take care of it.

I don't know if I have that kind of faith yet. I don't know if I have the kind of relationship with God that allows me to put everything that happens to me into his hands completely. I don't know if I have the kind of self-confidence required to allow people to think poorly of me and trust that God will deal with it, one way or the other.

This is what is so hard about being a leader. We are in the spotlight, so to speak. People watch our actions and our behaviour and will judge us before getting to know us. It comes with the territory and it's a hard thing to deal with sometimes. And it doesn't matter how good we are at what we do (David was an excellent king), not everybody is going to like us.

Also, not everybody is going to be on our side. We are decieved if we think that just because we are leaders of a youth group that everyone will see things our way. People defend the things they care about the most (be it family or something else) and we have to admit that we are the exact same way.

People will blame us for things that are not our fault. People will disagree with our methods and even with our personalities. But that is not our problem. That's God's problem. If we walk in his will, do what is pleasing to him and trust him with everything we have and are, he will deal with it one way or the other.

And we're not perfect. Never will be while we live on this earth. Sometimes we deserve correction and even punishment. It's how we grow.

It's not easy to come to that place of maturity that says, I will not worry about what others say or think of me, I will only worry what God thinks of me. It's hard to let go and not take personally what feels like personal attacks. It's not easy to accept correction or even punishment. But it is a good goal to have.

When the Bible tells us that there is freedom in Christ, I think this is part of what it means. It means truly understanding Christ's forgiveness of our imperfections to the extent that we naturally and freely extend that forgiveness to others. It means that we are free to give ALL our burdens, the things that anger us, hurts and curses people throw at us, to our Saviour.

His shoulders really are big enough.

Let's strive to be people after God's own heart.

not my job

More parables today. I don't feel quite as dumb with this one as with yesterday's. This one is about how the kingdom of God is like a small seed that is planted and then grows bigger than you could imagine it to be. And all on its own too.

The neat thing about this parable is how our role in 'growing' the kingdom of God is relatively small. Our job is to scatter the seed. God takes care of the growing bit. We can't force anyone to grow in their relationship with God. We can't force the world to be a better place. But we certainly can plant the seeds that God can then make grow. We can tell people about Christ and we can pray for them. We can work towards social justice and economic stewardship. God will take care of the growing.

It's sometimes frustrating when the things we do as Christians don't seem to make a difference. Like praying for someone who doesn't know God. I know people who have prayed for their loved ones for years and years and never see any change. How do we deal with that? Why won't that seed grow?

It's hard to wait on God's timing sometimes. What am I saying, sometimes? It's hard to wait all the time. At least it is, for me. As seed-sowers, you can start to feel really helpless. Like it doesn't matter what you do, nothing is gonna change.

But God is faithful. And he's trustworthy. And he knows what he's doing. Thank God for that! Could you imagine if we were in charge of making people grow? What a mess that would be. I don't think we'd know where to start. And even if we did, we probably wouldn't be very wise about it.

I'm glad making people grow is not my job. I'm glad I only have to be a seed-sower. I just pray that I can be a good and faithful seed sower so that God can get on with his part of the arrangement!

haves and have nots

I feel a little surrel typing this right now. My brain feels like it's 100 places at once. I haven't eaten lunch yet and I can't decide if I'm hungry. I've been very much of a one-track at work today. Sometimes when I get uber focused on something, I start to lose my perception of everything else around me. It's one of those days where I'll probably work straight through my break and be surprised when it's 4:30.

Anyway, having said that, I decided to derail my work train this afternoon to pray and meditate with the Sacred Space website. The verse they had today was Jesus teaching the people using parables. Have you ever felt stupid reading Jesus' parables? Sometimes I do. They're basically stories about everyday stuff that are a representation of something else. Kind of like a story with a moral but a little deeper than that. At any rate, I always think that Jesus told these parables so that common people would understand his message better. I figure, I'm pretty common, so I should get these, no question. But I don't always. Maybe I'm more like a thick-skulled disciple than I give myself credit for - they always seemed to have trouble with Jesus' stories!

Today's verse was about how no one brings out a light just to stick it under a basket or under the bed. The purpose of light is to illuminate things. Okay, I think I get that. The light might represent the good news of Jesus' death and resurrection and those of us that have that light shouldn't hide it from others. Simple enough.

But then he goes on to say this:

"Pay attention to what you hear; the measure you give will be the measure you get, and still more will be given you. For to those who have, more will be given; and from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away."

What is it that I'm supposed to give? The light? Maybe. This actually reminds me of one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs, believe it or not. The bridge of that song says:

"If you give, you begin to live. If you give, you get the world."

But I don't really know. It all seems so vague, like Jesus assumed we would know what he was referring to. "For those who have, more will be given; and from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away..."

Sometimes I wonder if we make Jesus and Christianity out to be too 'nice'. We placate people with Jesus love and neglect some of his harder sayings. He was pretty unequivocal about the fact that people had to believe in him in order to go be reconciled with God. Yes, his death and resurrection are for everyone, but everyone has to choose him first.

So I conclude, feeling as vague and inconclusive as I started out. I'm gonna go back to work now and try to figure out if I'm hungry. If you have more insight on this verse than I do, please post your comment!

the WWE - God style

I stopped counting the times I've asked God to send down neon lights instructing me on what I'm supposed to do with my life. I want him to send me an e-mail, writing on the wall, message on my answering maching, sky writing, anything! Just tell me what you want!

Sometimes he seems so far away. I know he has plans for my life, I just wish he could be more upfront about it all.

But then I read a story like Paul's conversion experience and I think - maybe I'll stick to the gradual revealing of God's plan for me.

I don't know what I would do if I experienced God in a flash of light like that - a flash so bright, it blinded me for days. What amazes me about this story is how Paul never argued with God. I mean, here was a guy who was so zealous in his pursuit of destroying Christianity that he even traveled across the country to arrest people. And yet, when God drops from heaven to give him the 'People's Elbow', Paul gets it. Body slammed by God. So hard he fell off his horse!

Pinned to the ground in the 'Wall of Jericho', God asks him, 'Why are you persecuting me?' Paul obviously wants to know who's giving him the smack down so instead of answering, he asks, 'Who are you, Lord?' (I guess he figures if he submits the pain would end sooner!) The answer? 'Jesus of Nazareth, whom you are persecuting.'

I wonder what went through Paul's mind when he heard that. He was a hardcore, devout Jew. The reason he persecuted Christians was because they claimed that the Jews had it all wrong - they could stop waiting, the Messiah had come! But Jesus was not the kind of Messiah Paul had been waiting for. What kind of Saviour gets arrested and executed? What kind of Saviour refuses to rise up against the cruel Roman government to free his people? What kind of Saviour disses the Jewish Pharisees? What kind of Saviour..? I think Paul was wicked angry.

It's that anger that makes me marvel at what Paul said next. He didn't say, 'Get off me, you crazy...light!' or 'Jesus of Nazareth is dead!' or anything like that. No, he said, 'What am I do to, Lord?'

Now that's a change of heart. That's the most dramatic thing to me about this story - it's not the light or even God speaking to Paul, it's his answer! 'What am I to do?' God backflips on him out of heaven and somehow, knocks the anger right out of him.

God tells Paul to get up, go to Damascus and wait. He'll find out what's in store for him there. Paul stays blind for a long time, even after hearing what God had in store for him. It was almost as though he needed the darkness for everything to sink in.

Have you ever been body-slammed by God? I know I have, at least once. Only, it felt more like a chair match where I got smacked over the head. It wasn't a 'conversion' experience like Paul's, but it was definitely a time where God gave me some serious direction for my life.

So what do you think? Still want God to send down the neon lights? Or are you okay with his still, small voice?

complete joy

So, another day, another ramble from yours truly. It's been an odd day, weather-wise. Cold and snowy one minute, sunshiny the next and drab and dreary the moment after.

Today's passage was from John 15:9-17. I love these passages in John where Jesus is giving his last instructions to his disciples before he's taken to the cross. They're so full of love and longing. I always think how Jesus' heart must have been breaking at the thought of leaving his disciples to fend for themselves. Did they really understand everything he'd been teaching them? Were they really ready to go it on their own?

I love how Jesus emphasises his love for the disciples. I love how he says that they will always be loved by him and how the only thing they need to do to have him continue to love him is to follow his commands. And what is his command? To love each other as he loved them. There's profound simplicity in that.

There's one sentence in this pasasge that stuck out for me during this reading:

"I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete."

It's the joy that throws me off. Jesus knew he was about to die. How could he have joy? How could he promise the disciples joy like that? And how would the disciples be able to feel joy after going through what they were about to go through - the death of their beloved teacher?

I guess that's what makes me not God. Jesus could see beyond the pain. He could see clear through to the other side - when he'd be reunited with these 12 men he had come to love so dearly in heaven. He could see through to me and to you, people he calls his friends through the disciples. He could see me reading his words even now and marvelling at the fact that he has also chosen me to bear fruit for his kingdom.

I think that was his joy. His joy was that all humanity be reunited with God through his death and resurrection.

I wonder if true joy really is possible without true pain? I wonder if the two must exist together in order for either to exist at all.

This passage is drenched in love. This is Jesus' heart on his sleeve - his words of love to us in our most painful times.

It's his love that is our joy.

the unforgiveable sin

Today's passage on the Sacred Space was the one where Jesus tells us about the 'unforgiveable sin'. The one sin every Christian is desperately afraid of committing: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. I've always wondered what exactly that sin entailed. Did it include swearing? Taking the Lord's name in vain? The site has a link called 'Need inspiration?' that you can click to get a little more insight on the passage. Here, I discovered that this sin, as the Jews would have understood it back then, was ignoring the promptings of the Lord that indicated whether a thing was good or not. Basically, calling goodness and truth evil and calling evil good.

That's the sin of the devil, isn't it? In the garden, with Adam & Eve, did Satan not decieve them into thinking that which was good for them (not eating from the tree) was really holding them back? That the good was really just God being evil and malicious towards them? Curious.

But then, did Adam and Eve not participate in that sin? Did they not blaspheme the Holy Spirit when they agreed with the devil? And yet, God still used them to create all humanity.

I still don't know where I stand on this passage. It's definitely a hard one to get your mind around. I wonder if the unforgiveable sin is refusing to acknowledge that we sin at all. I wonder if the unforgiveable sin is refusing the Holy Spirit's promptings that we need Jesus. Because I think in the context of that passage, that's exactly what Jesus was trying to tell the Pharisees: They didn't believe they were sinners and they certainly didn't believe that they needed Jesus and the forgiveness he offered.

Curious.

What do you think about this passage (Mark 3:22-30)? What is God saying to you when you read it?

risky business

Christianity is risky business. The passage on the Sacred Space today was about Jesus calling the first four disciples, Simon, Andrew, James and John. Simon and Andrew left their job to follow Jesus. James and John left their father.

As I thought about this passage, I wondered where I fell when it comes to taking risks in my Christian life. I think I can take risks with my job and my career. In fact, I have done exactly that for most of my adult life - I have never held on to a job so dearly that I could not easily let it go. But I don't think I could do the same with my family. I don't think I could leave them as easily as James and John seemed to do.

Wait a minute, though. Did I not leave them already? Did I not decide to stay in Winnipeg when I could have moved to Edmonton with them? Did I not choose to make my life here, without them, instead of there, with them? I suppose I did. Maybe I already took that risk.

It's a strange thing to read about how easy it seemed for the disciples to just pick up and leave everything to follow Jesus. Did they ever have second thoughts? Did they ever think to themselves, what the heck am I doing?

What was it about Jesus that attracted them? There are no descriptions of what Jesus might have looked like, but for some reason, I don't think that he was particularly handsome. Not in today's Hollywood sense of the word, anyway. I wonder if he was just kind of ordinary looking but at the same time, someone you never forgot. I'll bet he had a fire in his eyes and a way of looking at you that made you feel like he saw clean through to your soul. I'll bet there was nothing but love in his face, a serene kind of joy and peace that you craved for yourself. I'll bet it was hard to be on the fence about him - he was probably one of those people you either loved or hated. I wonder if anyone ever called him a 'nice' guy. "Yeah, he claims to be the son of God, but he really is a nice guy."

And just imagine - Jesus, this strangely attractive but kind of odd guy, walking around, calling people away from their jobs and their families because the kingdom of God was near.

The kingdom of God. It was something your parents would tell you stories about before you went to bed. Stories of your rich heritage, of how God always came to your rescue and now, in this time of oppression, there was still that hope - that God's kingdom would come near once more. And here was Jesus, proclaiming that the time had come. It was here. Your hopes fulfilled.

Maybe the disciples were all dreamers. They all longed to be knights in shining armor, helping to usher God's kingdom in - like the stories they'd heard about the great commander, Joseph. They all wanted to be heros. Maybe that's what attracted them.

What kind of risks am I willing to take to follow Jesus? Am I willing to throw myself at him with abandon, excited for the adventures he has in store for me? Am I allowed to be a dreamer, like the disciples, of being a hero in bringing the kingdom of God to earth? I hope so.

Only I wonder if it would be all right if I could be a ninja instead of a knight...

out of his mind

Today's passage on the Sacred Space was about Jesus going home and the crowds following him - so many that they couldn't even find somewhere to feed them all. Jesus' family goes out to restrain him because everyone said that he was out of his mind. Could you imagine if you had a brother like Jesus? All his life he seems pretty normal - maybe a little quirky at times, but relatively normal. He's the oldest, so he's naturally the one who's gonna take over the family business. And he seems interested in doing that too - going to work with your dad when he's old enough and all the rest of it.

And then, one day, out of the blue (or at least, to you it seems that way), he announces at dinner that he won't be taking over for dad. He's headed out to preach, teach and heal. Just like that. Maybe you chuckle to yourself or even mock him. "Are you being serious? You're just gonna go out preaching and teaching and healing. Who's gonna listen to you?" And Jesus just gives you that look and says, "Yes, I'm serious. I won't be home tomorrow. Actually, I'm not sure when I'll be home again."

"Well, where are you gonna live?"

"Wherever I can."

"What about your job?"

"God will provide."

"What will you eat? No job means no money means no food."

"God'll take care of it."

"You're crazy."

"Maybe. Wanna come with me?"

"Pshh! I don't think so."

But he goes out anyway. And the next thing you hear, there are crowds following him everywhere he goes. But the people in your neighborhood and your church start to whisper. "Poor Mary and Joseph. I don't envy them their son. He seemed like such a good boy. Who knew he was crazy?"

So you have a 'family meeting' to try to figure out what to do with Jesus. You're all worried about him. But you're really more worried about your own reputations. Who wants to be related to a crazy person? You decide to stage an intervention. You'll go out and drag Jesus home, by hook or by crook.

But when you get there, you can't even make your way through the crowd to your own brother. Your brother. Not theirs. Yours. And when you finally do, Jesus just give you that look and says, "They're the ones that need me right now. You'll be okay. Stop worrying so much about what other people think of you."

I think I'd be mad. I'd be angry because I'd be possessive of Jesus. He's MY brother, I would try to argue. He should think of his family first, not all these strangers.

Not that it would do any good. I wonder if I'm sometimes too possessive of my relationships. I have a hard time letting them go. I hold on to them even after they've stopped being productive to either of us - mostly because I want the other person to still 'like' me. What is it about me that always wants people to 'like' me so much? It seems so selfish when I think about it that way. It's hard to let people go, but sometimes we have to. God's purpose for them might not be to put their family first, it might be to serve complete strangers. God's purpose for them might have nothing to do with you at all. Or maybe, God's purpose for them only involved you for a short time... And I guess the same goes for me.

A good friend of mine explained a hard lesson to me yesterday. All relationships end. That's the nature of relationships. The only one that cannot end is your relationship with God. That's why that relationship has to come first because when the pain of the end of other relationships come, you will need someone who can heal you. Someone who won't go away. God won't ever go away.

So I guess the question then is, "Is my relationship with God the most important thing to me?" I don't know if I can say a definitive yes yet. Can you?

my plan is working perfectly!

Well, I've invited a whole bunch of people to join this and so far, I like the ease of this system much better than what I had set up before. Just so everyone knows, I have invited a few 'adults' to join us too. I figure they're just youth in disguise! Besides which, they care about us and our 'issues' and I think it's good to give them an idea of some of the things they can pray for and support us in.

I'm getting more excited about all this. Not only is this not as dependent on my maintenance as the previous site, I love writing and I can type fast! :oP

I did say I was gonna post some of my thoughts about that Sacred Space site, didn't I? I should do that.

First off, I loved the simplicity of it. You just read the short instructions and you pray. The passage I was asked to meditate on was Mark 3:13-19, where Jesus called the 12 disciples. One of the things that struck me was how Jesus picked them out from a group. I couldn't help but imagine myself there and wonder how I would have felt if I hadn't been chosen. I would have been heartbroken. It's like not getting picked on a sports team.

But then it occured to me that the people Jesus chose were not necessarily exceptional humans. They weren't necessarily as organized or efficient or anal as I am. They were stubborn, fanatical, greedy and betraying. What would Jesus want with guys like that? Wouldn't he want someone a little more put together? Maybe not. Maybe he knew that they were the kind of guys whowould screw up. The kind of guys who would have to come back to him and admit all the ways they hadn't lived up to his expectations. And he would say, "And that's why you need me." Maybe I don't need Jesus enough. Maybe I'm too self-reliant. Maybe.

Do you ever feel like being talented at certain things seems more like a burden than a gift? The expectations and responsibilities are so high. And how far you can fall. Maybe I need Jesus more than those guys did. I know I've already had many lessons on how I can't do everything myself. But part of me doesn't really believe that. Part of me still insists that if I put my mind to it, I can get it done on my own. Maybe I need Jesus to keep breaking me. Maybe I need him to show me how best to invest my 'talents' so that I don't have to fall as far. Or maybe I'm just a more polished stubborn, fanatic, greedy, lying traitor.

After meditating on the scripture, I was supposed to imagine that Jesus was right there in the room with me. I was supposed to just lay my heart out for him. I'm always amazed at how ashamed I feel when I have to do that exercise. Ashamed but safe somehow. Like Jesus says to me, "I'm glad you're here. I know you're not perfect. But that's okay. That's why you need me. I already died. I already made it all right. You don't need to beat yourself up as much as you do." And then he kind of chuckles at me and just holds on to me for a while.

What a great God.

so this is what I did...

I suck at starting things and not following through. I know this about myself but I can't always figure out how to overcome it. Remember the spiritual disciplines thing I started a while back and never really completed? Yeah. That thing. I don't think it was realling working for anybody so I've more or less scraped it for this new idea of mine.

I've found a website that actually leads you through a 10 minute prayer everyday. It's run by the Irish Jesuits and I discovered it while reading a book called The Sacred Way by Tony Jones. Here's the link: http://www.sacredspace.ie. I'm thinking this is something I'm gonna try to do everyday and then talk about my experiences with it on this blogspot. I'd like to invite you to participate with me if you're so inclined.

Granted, that's not the only thing I'd like to blather on about on this space. I'd also like to address leadership issues, stuff we deal with at youth, etc., etc. I figure this is as good a place as any to meet and talk about stuff on a regular basis.

So yeah - I hope this becomes something I actually follow through on and don't quit halfway through. I never like to think that my 'good ideas' are half-baked, but I guess sometimes they are. See? I'm not perfect! My trouble is that I'm ridiculously self-aware and can therefore figure out ways to hide my imperfections!